So I guess as a follow up to yesterdays ramblings and to keep me on to the present self, the one inevitably in the now of each moment. Its fun to pontificate, so to speak, on ones beliefs I think. To constantly want change and to need to experience it for growth. They are symbiotic in nature, relying on the other to foster and mature. It means a lot to recognize that fact day to day, and I look at the course of life like this kaleidoscope now of routes, all coalescing to a central idea, a vision so to speak. I fight each day with myself about levels of importance, that this thing or that has more significance to me at this moment, not how it will have influence on the future self. I realize each day I struggle with these things I evaluate just a little more how much further I want to go and how much I have started and gradually grown over the course of my life so far.
I thought it was interesting, that importance feeling of the past, I was able to answer a questionnaire about mental well being lately that asked a lot of self-evaluation. All of the topics seemed weighted in the negative, like I was completely self conscious and aware of the inadequacies, yet the one question I could answer completely was that I couldn't and didn't wish to change my past. It is the one thing I know for a fact is immutable in the scheme of things and I accepted a long time ago that to miss a single opportunity or chance to grow on those things would be a fallacy and self deprecating. Im glad I have held on to that notion, my biggest fear is failure. Failure of self, of goals, of aspirations in which to prove continually I am on the 'right' path for me at that time. I am afraid that I will wake up one day and hate the person I have become, not some sense of disappointment, honestly I feel that is important to push for growth, but the intense hatred of ones choices and the inevitable crash into acceptance without change. I never want to stop changing, I never want to be stagnant.
As I account for a lot of dramatic shifts lately I think about the choices every day, the ones that got me here, the ones I could and couldn't control at the time. We all need the breaks in our swimming to tread for a while and catch our breath, were not done with the journey, but we do need to stop and check the direction I think. Sometimes its a little confusing to look around and just see the horizon. I started tackling some of those directional issues, have always been trying to I feel, but you get a good slap to the face when you stop focusing on all that bad and see it for what it is; a situation beyond your control. There is literally only so much I can worry about and stress myself out over at any given time and realizing that most things with other people and situations are beyond my control and the only thing I could possibly do is be as present and as honest with those around me as I am with myself. Sometimes it hurts to be the brutish one, the obstinate one clinging to concepts because of passion and past experience, but it is necessary to fight for those things with my challenging perceptions. If I dont have an opinion on something that should have importance to me, why is it important? More importantly, why am I holding on to it like the rope in which to hang myself? It hurts to constantly look at your misconceptions and foster them, but it is vital I feel in making life a river instead of a pond.
So what do I wrack my brain with on a consistent basis? I fight over how I treat my loved one, the attitude in which I give them precedence and how I should use it constructively. That alone soaks up a lot of time, not a bad thing at all, but I wonder for instance how I can help myself and in turn help those I care about around me. I want to help my loved ones find their passions and grow them, I have always liked being involved in others life as a big brother, force of habit, and I want to push them constantly to be a better person. Some take more work than others, I will admit, but in the process I am discovering more and more about myself and how to channel some of my emotions and energy into things that I find helpful. Its interesting to know I helped a friend just talk about nothing, and in that I gained insight and he did too. We sometimes just need a sounding board to rant towards and I am fortunate so many ppl are willing to listen to mine! I feel like I complain a lot but I have never been so unhappy I couldn't listen to a friend vent. It is cathartic in its own right, hearing someone else's problems and realizing they are yours as well.
I fight about where Im going. Not where I have been, those things matter, its just they all add up to this certain level of experience and energy/time invested so it would be nice to see things through. To finish chiseling the path through the mountain instead of going over it. I like knowing I have my mountain of things to do and see and accomplish. I like knowing that there is an insurmountable obstacle but if I just keep trying, keep moving one rock at a time, it will eventually crumble into the next set of challenges. I dont want to reach the end of my journey, ever, and that means holding on to a vision of that insurmountable mountain. Each day is an opportunity to work at it, but I have to commit wholeheartedly to the pursuit. The ever elusive impossible tasks that keep me growing and challenging my former conceptions.
Work, love, living, happiness. They should all be the same thing. I have to work for what I love in life to find my (ever-changing)happiness.
Thanks for reading today's rambles!
-T
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