Directional Fortitude +1

Cathartic release has an interesting affect on the body and mind. In one sense you are so enthralled with the rush of emotions and the other you're eyeing yourself behind this lens of intense judgement to want to experience those things. I find it pretty damn cool that we cope and deal with stress, time(or lack there of), integration and realizations on a daily basis that are so profound that we couldn't possible comprehend them all at once, and thus must build to a climactic tumble of misplaced ideals and perceptions. It is an interesting feeling to want to change, for instance, but being confused about the direction you wish to go in. I feel like the best metaphor is a sailor lost to sea, floating calm, no land in sight, picking stars that seem to have worked for people in the past as his rough guidelines. Ultimately it's the choices he instinctively chooses to believe, regardless of how much his logic dictates things be the same as the many others who charged forward across the same seas. He believes without a doubt that there is land on the horizon, if only he were to go that much further.

I had a thought about thoughts, the way I think I think. Its neat to sit and ponder how it is you actually best wonder. Brain teaser that one. Found out when you haven't meditated in a while on your own reflections you end up down some crazy rabbit holes. The tunnels go for miles sometimes. There was a thought somewhere in the banter, described to a friend before as lighting, as though every waking day is this constant flashing maelstrom of thoughts, emotions and experiences in my minds eye. Each time I try to focus on one or follow a vein of thought as it flashes by another crashes in and distorts the path again. Like walking into a library and all the books are disassembled and scattered and you can only pick up a page at a time before you finish reading and are left in a more confusing state than before.
I want to get the library assembled, it has been a while since there was a semblance of things resembling order. I have been running down so many avenues I haven't stopped to wonder why I am just spinning my wheels in confusion. I found some hard truths and some soft jokes, but most importantly, in all this searching I found the prime directive.
I always thought that was a cool terminology term a sociology teacher just wanted to invent, but the realizations of his vision and the ways our conversations come flooding back to me to this day is kind of alarming. In some of those talks we had an interesting discussion on religion, on why so many peoples turned to the concepts of faith. It was illuminating when we were able to openly talk about that term, for it was important to me. Faith, in essence, is an utter pursuit of passions with the belief in ones goals and aspirations. Belief then, happens to fall under the self's ability to deal with change and assert that the previous supposition is correct. In essence, its the trust in ones own path that dictates their faith in those and all around them, sometimes the other way around. Each person needs different things to have faith and to believe in faith.

This was interesting for me, as I sit here writing about a conversation years ago, to remember his exact words to me, like a ringing bell. "It is the pursuit of the prime directive." I liked that at the time, it was like a platitude, but took a while to sink in and absorb. I have had a lot of ups and down over the past few years with trying to get a handle on what it takes to move forward, to feel that same sense of accomplishment of tasks and goals that I did when things seemed much more carefree. Its like a riptide, stay on top of the water as much as you can treading, if you stopped you dont know where you'll inevitably go, but you also dont have control of where you drift while you're treading. Its a catch twenty-two, until one comes to the realization that they need to stop treading and start swimming. Stretch out your mind, your body, reach for the shore and inevitably the tide will break into waves pushing you forward. Life is too short to tread for too long and it took a lot to admit that to myself as of late.

The follow through is interesting as well. For one, there is no real new 'pressure' so to speak, but definitely a sense of elation at my tasks and with making random lists and spurts of creative impulses. Like writing this thing. I found that if I make the time to not only do something, but keep on track with moving from something constructive to another I will inevitably end up back at the start, tying up the loose ends and having the finished project. I dont have to rush, but I also dont have all the time, it was a very Tao realization, 'everything is.' I make that a constant hum now in my head. Everything is.

So what next and what does all this hubbub mean? I sure as hell dont know, but its fun to entertain the idea that there is some sort of underlying purpose which drives each of us into being more than we are, and it originates and ends with our own beliefs and expectations of our individual self. It can be tied to or attributed to the Planet, the Sun, the imaginary or very real God(s) that may be watching over, or maybe its the motions of the cosmos to govern the flow of time and energy but regardless of all that, its you being you, and me being me. It's literally 'what its all about,' living in the now of each moment while envisioning oneself in the prospects of their own success and good fortune.

I found myself so often crawling into my hole and Im tired of sleeping in the dark. I want to fall asleep under the stars and watch the night sky change to day so I can rise and keep moving on to the next thing; the next big objective and small task alike. I hope my life will flash before my eyes when I die, I want to see that library with the bookshelves of memories all filling leather bound embossed titles of organized and orchestrated experiences. I want to understand why I am here at each moment and the biggest outlet is knowing that if I just keep moving, keep striving for that success in myself and my aspirations, I'll eventually make sense of it all. Time makes experience into memory, inevitably integral. This I believe.