I haven't truly written in a few years now, I feel like it's out of fear of having nothing to say more than anything. I mean, I know that isn't true, for we all have stories to tell and fantasies we have dreamed up in that faraway landscape of endless horizons in the mind's eye. Yet prudence leads us to silence, like the greatest of introverts in the center of a massive sea of people, out of place and disconnected from the outside world by a choice to keep those passions and dreams alive as kindling for fear of their extinguishing flame.
We wonder where time went, as we console ourselves on the precipice of our mutual failings, 'if only I...'. But they are the wasted time of days spent borrowing strength I feel, as if we are incapable of allowing failure to be acceptable, to acknowledge these faults and fantasies as tried outreach and learning tools. Like we could be no better than our fellow men and women due to our critical opinion of the goals we wish to accomplish, as they hold us hostage against ourselves and that illusory reach toward a future we want to live in but are too afraid to exist in with the here and now.
I wonder sometimes why I fear the things I do, soon we all run out of time to venture further and further down the rabbit hole of our own beliefs and concepts of reality. It's amazing really, the days filtering by, each morning waking into a collection of remembrance to define the person that exists today and acknowledging the scraps of goals that shred themselves to fragments like some puzzle piece map made of different colors and misaligned edges. The collage of the dream, not necessarily finding that exact joining edge is the unacceptable truth in the endeavor's we choose to partake. Trying to wash over and flatten the image so it takes shape, becomes something tangible and real, but unsatisfied with the eschewed view we now created in the process. The extra steps we encountered were making more walls in front of us than steps to be taken, each day ending on that sour note of frustration and lack of time and understanding.
I feel as if there is that thread that binds all of us together in this process, like some sort of hive mind mentality in the ever expanding collection of individuals dwelling in and around this planet. Each moment we spend in the pursuit of a life lived, our image of the future becomes that much duller as each day passes by, less defined in the chaos of it all. We're supposed to have answers, but it's typically the opposite that we know to be true, the gray area between that defines things into vague iterations of 'good' or 'evil' and the situational awareness to be present enough to recognize the mental shift when it happens.
I found a passion a little over a year ago that has mentally allowed me to face some of these anxieties. These realizations in my life beforehand never seemed to include the me that exists in this live version of reality, the concept too alien and extreme to compute accurately, was a huge hurdle I feel I am slowly overcoming. Not the last hurdle or even a difficult one to some, but the presence of mind to know that I am always changing for the betterment of the person that continues to exist for the future and the present. I am lost, yes, but give thanks for the people I surround myself with and have endeared into my life which has allowed me so much more understanding of the kindness that exists in us all as we see each other moving forward like Gods, but ourselves as the flawed mud-men. Interesting that we hold other's goals in such high esteem, like they have all the answers and we have to keep rediscovering the simple truths time and time again.
This passion, this group of people that found a way to entrench itself in my life was a LARPing group called Amtgard. I didn't know what I wanted for a long time, like the walls I put in front of myself were just made for shelter, able to crawl into my hole and whittle away the scraps to the other side little by little. In this community I could be the persona of myself, the true self that is offbeat and illogical, yet runs into spurts of leadership and compassion. It was interesting, watching myself flourish this past year and a half, slowly gaining a momentum of wants and desires to help others more than myself, the concept found many times, but never for this duration and with this passion. The group functioning as a perpetual fuel-source for the concepts and ideas that seemed to crave a receptive and constructive outlet.
In this wandering time of searching I found a place to dress the way I like to dress, in fact feeling more comfortable in my garb than I ever have in 'mundane' clothes. I own up to my faults and see my misfortunes and can actively correct them with a whole group of people that are each moving in their own way, acknowledging the struggle we're all facing in finding a world that matches our mental picture. Slowly, I feel like the people who truly root themselves in this process have changed week to week like a blossoming eternal flower, never truly ready to be plucked before it withers and regrows to a more and more beautiful iteration of itself each time. I love the people I have found, for in this small collection of persons there is an underlying thread of fantasy tied to self-improvement, a support group for the wayward thinkers, so to speak.
Sure, as in any society or community there are problems, we are all human(I think), and surprisingly the gossip and the frustrations that get thrown around don't seem to ever be all that important, just observations and confusion more than hate and disdain which plagues the rest of our societies. At the end of the day, we all smile and laugh, imagining the next time we get to be together and figure out the quirks we're all struggling to overcome in ourselves, like the boffer fighting is some leveling tool to fix our perceived imperfections. It's truly amazing as I find myself reflecting on each week's adventure to craft a bit more, or do more research into the community at large, slowly immersing myself further and further into a world that seems to relish in the unplanned chaos of life, and the enjoyment of living that life in the most fantastical of ways.
I found a community in Amtgard that has shown me my passions in an endless stream of possibilities. Each event, fighting and crafting day, or interaction with the members has led me to discover a bit more about myself in the process. I can't say that to be true about anything else I have done so far, silly as it sounds, but the LARP experience is more than just a dress-up and fighting opportunity, so much deeper than the mundane struggles as it encompasses the collective struggle at its root. We all know that perfection is impossible, but having and/or finding a dream that is impossible makes each day bearable and our yearning that much stronger. We find ourselves with a purpose to be with our fellows and to see them grow and mature into chivalric archetypes of these illustrious fantasy characters. We watch each other become the heroes we want to be, not only the hero we hoped we could be. It's amazing, truly astounding really, that something so simple as a foam weapon and a creative mind could bring so many people together and provide them with an outlet. I needed this in my life, and as I find myself more and more involved my joy increases beyond expectations and I see for myself positive changes in my life.
Find that change and that community that supports your need for self-awareness and improvement. It doesn't come in some confined and one-dimensional opportunity, but in the vague and chaotic maelstrom that puts a smile on your face and finds you going out of your way to do things for people you don't even do for yourself. The perception that we have on reality is everything, I found this group to be an outlet for my fantasies but also the support group to facilitate my growth as an individual. I don't know how long this will last, but the wave seems to grow each day and there doesn't seem to be an end to the possibilities and learning to be found. We could all be so lucky to find the eternal smoldering coal to light our creative fires time and time again. LARP may or may not be for you, but a community that supports you in your creative and learning process is definitely a means to figure out more about yourself.
I am encouraged to start writing again, not for a need to share my opinions, but that these reflections are for me. I should not be afraid to fail, to fall on my face. Failure doesn't come from acceptance of defeat, but acceptance that my best self wasn't present in participation. I want to be more involved with my choices, to know that each step I take is a step forward. It's a humbling experience and my anxieties are alleviating as I make these minute advances of self improvement and recognition.
Thanks for reading.
