Self Defeat

So Ill start this off by saying that I have been lacking in posting, but not in writing. I guess some stuff isn't worth sharing with the world, but most of it can be. I find myself postulating on a lot of random avenues in which I find myself venturing, like a pack of dogs on leashes pulling in one centralized direction, a few hiccups along the way. Trying to direct the energy seems the hardest part, like it has too many factors to be consistent, but just enough to give that false sense of hope. I'm constantly taking that two steps forward and the full step back, but somehow I think things are teetering forward.

I messed up yesterday. I found myself inserting my foot in my mouth pretty fucking hard and I feel terrible about it. It's interesting how ones opinion of self sometimes directly lies in the opinion fostered by others. I mean, 99.99% of the time I don't care what people think about me or my actions, frankly they're my choices, but its different here. I think I hurt someone I cared about, and whether I did or did not, it still haunts me like some imaginary crushing weight. It wasn't exactly what I said, but how it came across and what little I can do to remedy it to myself let alone the other person.  I sure know how to pick my battles.

Realistically, this should just be another Tao moment of instant reflection and indifference, like I am not some flawed asshole of a person... but I find myself dwelling and moping about it when there is literally nothing to be done. Its funny how we sometimes get defeatist and it could be triggered by a dumb comment or misplaced thought, like the world is crumbling around us, but unwilling to accept the change and move forward. It becomes this perpetual cycle of moving forward without direction, finding, for a sliver of a moment, to be happy and trying so hard to focus on that thought. I have been doing so well too, watching how much my interactions can help people, then turning around and offhandedly butchering the intent in which I offer my support in one fell swoop. I don't mean to be whiny, but I am tired of being a rude bastard by default. I get so absorbed in other peoples experience that I stop reflecting at a certain point and start talking too frank and forward. I see the person as myself and I get unabashedly direct, brutally so. I don't think its necessarily a bad thing, but I definitely don't like when I hurt people because of it.

So what has me so bothered besides vague generalities? I guess Im tired of being me. Im tired of wanting to help when I need help. Im tired of wanting to give everything to others but do little to take care of my well being. Its frustrating to dislike oneself so much that its easier to take it out on those you love and those you keep close, like they deserve the brutal sincerity, but you cant face looking in a mirror to even shave, let alone face your own demons instead of offloading it on others. Depression is like an eddy that keeps swinging you round and round, making fun of you as you try to swim out by sucking you in deeper. After a while you stop moving and just let it pull you around, until the only thing you see is the sky and those walls are whirling around you like a prison.

I've got a great poker face. I'm not the type to get too emotional over things, rarely do I let my emotions show, let alone try to adequately portray my thoughts about them, but so often I suppress them like its worth stamping them out. I taught myself to do it growing up and any time there is a problem with my life I just push it into small box, lock it tight, and start building walls around it. Ive spent a lot of time struggling to tear those walls down and trying to unearth it all at once, the proverbial skeletons that have been hanging, but to no real avail. I still say and do things that hurt people, I still hate looking at myself through my own eyes, and I roll on, pretending like everything is just fucking peachy.

I dont know what I wanted to get out of sharing these thoughts, they are personal, they are real, and maybe that's it. Truly, the only honest thing I can say about myself is that I constantly run from my problems by pretending I don't exist. Its easier to think nothing of oneself than to actually value your own worth, but its not right I don't think. Ego has never been too strong in my character, and maybe that's the problem. Maybe its a slew of other issues left caged and rotting in the recesses of my mind, like its okay to just shut down and operate on autopilot, long enough to stave off the emotions and just fake being content for a while. I'm tired of dealing with issues like some clinical experiment. A few weeks ago I cried multiple times in a week and before that... I don't even remember the last time. I go so long bottling up my thoughts and trying to keep people out, I don't know what to do when I get a break and someone doesn't have expectations of wanting in, of wanting anything. I fight myself constantly in these days of self defeat, most of the time it is calm indifference and staying in the moment, but every now and then I do something that just sets it off like some domino affect. Im done complaining today, but not done dwelling on my issues. It hurt to look in the mirror to shave today, and I am tired of that feeling. Slowly, I will correct it but I need to accept that all the emotions and thoughts I suppress will haunt me, but nothing will change if I keep finding loathing in my self. It has been an uphill battle to fight what I created. The monster of man is he himself.
-Tyb